I've had absolutely no time to process anything. I've barely had enough time to get everything together... There are lingering responsibilities to various municipalities and states... Almost everything I own is now living in a 4'x4'x4' storage unit in lower manhattan. Sixty-four cubic feet of vinyl, hermetically sealed discs and various articles of clothing and books. I've got three bags with me, chiefly because I couldn't deposit the thirty pounds of change I've been lugging around and I opted to take my computer with me while I'm in the states. I don't think that was the best idea... Time couldn't be conjured for the bank, but I didn't need to take this extra five pounds with me. How will the aluminum fare in the dank redwoods overnight? The twenty books or so I packed are more than enough entertainment.
What do I have now? A ten ounce sleeping bag, a one pound water proof cover for it, five shirts, one pair of shorts, two pairs of pants, three pairs of socks, three pairs of underware, a med kit, toiletries, a sweater, a sweatshirt, a camelpack, twenty books, a computer, a cellphone, an ipod, thirty pounds of quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies (and one sacajawea dollar), hiking boots, snooty shoes and various junk. I think even this is too much. I need to get rid of the computer and the coins... Then I might be able to move back to two bags. It doesn't seem wise, hitchiking to Eureka with a computer in my bag. Especially if I decide to spend a night or two in the Humboldt Redwoods, assuming I can.
I haven't really planned anything. If at any point during the run up to this moment I had, who knows where I'd be right now. As it happens, I'm a Hostelling International joint, sitting in a closed down cafe trying to sort through the mess that is my mind. There's a table of japanese women next to me chattering and twittering, mixing food and very slowly eating. Cheap, burnt, paper bag coffee wafts through the air and it sounds like some college kids are talking off in the background. This is my introduction to san francisco, I hardly know what's happening... The airport to the bart to the bus to here. A bewildered woman was unable to tell me whether the train I was on stopped at Civic Station, a cheery jaw jutting fellow helped me get to Larkin and Eddy and a stranger in a hurry pointed me to Ellis. It's a good thing the protruding jaw stopped where it did, because anything less would have forced his remaining teeth to grate on one another in a painful and unappealing fashion.
The internet is painfully slow and sometimes non-existent. One of my roommates seems to be drunk and uncomfortable, sipping on his itty bitty brown cup, unknown contents... Marty. Upon entering the room he immediately affected a terrible British accent and we introduced ourselves. I'm Philip from New York City and he's Marty from Portland. "Oh, you're from New York? I thought you from another country." Shortly thereafter he dropped the accent and spoke a bit more naturally about how Frisco's overtaken LA as the business hub of the west coast. People are apparently mean everywhere, except in Vancouver, WA.
How paranoid should you be about your stuff? What's the etiquette for locking up and when during the conversation can you pull it off without making people think you're accsuing them of something? Yes, it's all rather ridiculous.
Maybe I just need some sleep and then I'll be sane again. I have a sneaking suspicion that won't be the case... This will take some adjusting. I am homeless and I've got an awful lot of pounds strapped to my back. The life I lead is dead, for all intents and purposes. I don't intend to be a programmer any more. I don't know what I'll be doing tomorrow. I don't know what I'll be doing when this is all over. I don't know what I will be when I grow up... and I don't know. It was a life of settled inevitabilities for many many days. Then it was a life of drifting and trying to work out why I was on the path I found myself on. Now it's, that's all wrong and something needs to change... and change it has.
Leisure Suit Larry didn't do me so much good, as a kid... All I remember is, "The weather is here, wish you were beautiful." Well, that and having sex with a prostitute without a rubber means you're dead and you have to try again.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Let's call him Mack
When I was married, working with Mack was a fairly simple affair. We might discuss religion, the vices of homosexuality or even the efficacy of stop work tactics. He loved to make indefensible assertions and though we might easily dismantle his arguments he always came back for more. This was while he was still getting to know me and of course, I was still married.
Mack finds programming for a bank as dull and insidious as any person with a pulse would. To keep himself entertained, he sows discontent, hoards knowledge, thwarts management and harasses bachelors.
During some of my more gullible and down trodden days, he enjoyed trying to convince me that I would be fired or in general replaced. He was also a big proponent of shaming people into learning, when he deigned to educate newbies. His favorite refrain was, "Do you want me to hold your hand? Would you like to sit on my lap?" This phrase was uttered to anyone who started at the firm under his tutelage. Passive aggressive and aggressive responses did not make him capitulate. There was simply no known way to make this thing humble or helpful.
How he was ever allowed to teach any of us anything is beyond me. He regarded knowledge as a weapon. Chaos was preferred, because it offered him job security... Any attempt to extract useful knowledge from him was met with "language barriers" and horrid diagrams, because english was his second language. Improvements were poo-pooed, because the newbies didn't understand the history of preceding decisions... Even if it was irrelevant, he would make the case. Managers were apt to throw their hands up in the air when he spoke, though he lacked confidence and shook like a leaf. A loud thump on table might set him straight again.
During this time a number of new guys were hired, three in fact. Mack was delighted, because none of them were married and 2/3 of them had girlfriends. Around this period, separation was immanent. Mack had his grubby skeletal hands full.
He attached himself to one guy's back, wanting to know about phone sex with. With the other unsuspecting newb, he suggested that his girl wore the pants and he wore a skirt. Any button that could be pushed interested him.
On my way to bachelordom, he insisted that the only moral thing to do was reconcile with my soon to be ex. I suppose he couldn't suggest much else, as a Chinese immigrant enamored with christ. The wagging boney strips protruding from his palms and crooked teeth bounced with glee as he admonished me for fooling around with other women while I was legally married. Mack lives in a stark moral world, you can only be married or single. The concepts of trial separation and lazy ex-es don't enter in to his understanding of the world.
Once the bottom fell out and I told him there would be no reconciliation he became very interested in my comings and goings. On a particularly slow day, I wandered over to his desk, hoping to extract some information from him.
"Is this about work, because every time I help you, I consider that a personal favor. I expect to be paid back," a perverse smile settled on his face.
"Yes, it's about work, but it'll only take a minute."
"Before you ask me, I've got some questions for you."
"Fine, but none of that, 'hold my hand crap.'"
He reached for his morning conversational piece, the New York Post. He pointed to a tiny picture in the lower right corner, a svelte woman in a revealing dress, blonde hair and sun glasses.
"In your expert opinion, do you think those are real?" The question excited him so much he couldn't help but settle his wooden, enameled teeth on his lips and squeal.
"I don't know, Mack and I don't care."
"OK. Did anyone sleep in your bed with you last night?"
"No."
"Did you watch any porn last night?"
"No."
"Did you spank it last night?"
"No."
This man has enraged people to the point that they've told him to find a mistress, buy his wife some flowers or head to Chelsea... So long as any of those options shut him up. I think depression caught up with him and his interests have turned inward, lucky us.
He gets back from vacation on August 6. I have 8 more days working with him. After that, I'll never see his desperate ugly mug again.
A team that should be 7 will be wittled down to 1, plus one kiss ass buffoon who likes to call people, "sir."
Mack finds programming for a bank as dull and insidious as any person with a pulse would. To keep himself entertained, he sows discontent, hoards knowledge, thwarts management and harasses bachelors.
During some of my more gullible and down trodden days, he enjoyed trying to convince me that I would be fired or in general replaced. He was also a big proponent of shaming people into learning, when he deigned to educate newbies. His favorite refrain was, "Do you want me to hold your hand? Would you like to sit on my lap?" This phrase was uttered to anyone who started at the firm under his tutelage. Passive aggressive and aggressive responses did not make him capitulate. There was simply no known way to make this thing humble or helpful.
How he was ever allowed to teach any of us anything is beyond me. He regarded knowledge as a weapon. Chaos was preferred, because it offered him job security... Any attempt to extract useful knowledge from him was met with "language barriers" and horrid diagrams, because english was his second language. Improvements were poo-pooed, because the newbies didn't understand the history of preceding decisions... Even if it was irrelevant, he would make the case. Managers were apt to throw their hands up in the air when he spoke, though he lacked confidence and shook like a leaf. A loud thump on table might set him straight again.
During this time a number of new guys were hired, three in fact. Mack was delighted, because none of them were married and 2/3 of them had girlfriends. Around this period, separation was immanent. Mack had his grubby skeletal hands full.
He attached himself to one guy's back, wanting to know about phone sex with. With the other unsuspecting newb, he suggested that his girl wore the pants and he wore a skirt. Any button that could be pushed interested him.
On my way to bachelordom, he insisted that the only moral thing to do was reconcile with my soon to be ex. I suppose he couldn't suggest much else, as a Chinese immigrant enamored with christ. The wagging boney strips protruding from his palms and crooked teeth bounced with glee as he admonished me for fooling around with other women while I was legally married. Mack lives in a stark moral world, you can only be married or single. The concepts of trial separation and lazy ex-es don't enter in to his understanding of the world.
Once the bottom fell out and I told him there would be no reconciliation he became very interested in my comings and goings. On a particularly slow day, I wandered over to his desk, hoping to extract some information from him.
"Is this about work, because every time I help you, I consider that a personal favor. I expect to be paid back," a perverse smile settled on his face.
"Yes, it's about work, but it'll only take a minute."
"Before you ask me, I've got some questions for you."
"Fine, but none of that, 'hold my hand crap.'"
He reached for his morning conversational piece, the New York Post. He pointed to a tiny picture in the lower right corner, a svelte woman in a revealing dress, blonde hair and sun glasses.
"In your expert opinion, do you think those are real?" The question excited him so much he couldn't help but settle his wooden, enameled teeth on his lips and squeal.
"I don't know, Mack and I don't care."
"OK. Did anyone sleep in your bed with you last night?"
"No."
"Did you watch any porn last night?"
"No."
"Did you spank it last night?"
"No."
This man has enraged people to the point that they've told him to find a mistress, buy his wife some flowers or head to Chelsea... So long as any of those options shut him up. I think depression caught up with him and his interests have turned inward, lucky us.
He gets back from vacation on August 6. I have 8 more days working with him. After that, I'll never see his desperate ugly mug again.
A team that should be 7 will be wittled down to 1, plus one kiss ass buffoon who likes to call people, "sir."
Sunday, July 16, 2006
dream: 7/16/06
i’m in a strange room w/a single bed, not much else in it… not much room for anything else… there are two doors on the same wall, opposite that the bed… the foot and head of the bed are off the wall… on the wall which the head of the bed faces is a window… bright light coming in… christianne and ian are each occupying a door way… dangling half of their bodies in my room and the other half in who knows where these doors lead… they’re arguing… pointless bickering… as brothers and sisters will… i’m trying to diffuse the situation.. christie becomes frustrated and edges into my room… she yells at ian… i see her hand begin to toss the cup of wine in it… i move towards her to prevent its contents from landing on my bed… the cup and its contents are all over my bed… a bed, light colored sheets, a cup and some red wine are now the only inanimate objects in my room… i’m infuriated… why would she disrespect me like this… confused i forcefully grab her… sneering at her, i ask why she did it… i’ve terrified her… and myself… how can i treat her like this after everything she’s been through… but how can she take this out on me after everything i’ve tried to do for her… she tells me they’re just sheets, innocently… in my mind i concede this point immediately… after i wash them, even if they’re stained, they’ll still cover my bed just as well… but i tell her… or do i?… the issue of respect flits through my mind simultaneously…
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
dream: 6/13/06
this was quite nearly the day that would have marked 9 years of marriage… i had a dream instead…
jess and i have gotten back together, though we appear to be on the verge of splitting up… living in a brightly light apartment which does not look familiar… it seems that we’ve just moved into this place, based on the placement of things and the sparseness… we’re on the top bunk of some bunk beds, making out… i’m the active one, groping whatever i can lay my hands on… she’s getting off on the whole thing… i’m surprised how much she’s getting off on just watching me, very reminiscent of jambalaya… in an attempt to accommodate this new source of pleasure i angle myself so she can see better, as a i look her in the eyes… this has the intended effect… as her enjoyment increases she begins to get more involved and we are playfully jockeying for “top”… she is engaged as she’s never been before… thoroughly turned on, i grab a rubber (further obviating that this thing between us is tenuous and new)… it’s blue, with a roll on assister (ever seen a hot rod?)… but… it turns translucent green… by the time i’ve got my rubber situated she’s flipped around looking at something, a computer maybe?… i’m totally confused… i look at my flagging erection… i look at her… i say, “so we’re just going to waste this condom?”… she says she really only wanted her tits massaged and that’s the only stimulation she sought… i became very angry, as was evident in my posture and movement… i don’t think i said anything… she said, “well, you wouldn’t want me to do something i wasn’t into, right?”… i thought of berg (head shrinker extraordinaire) saying that yes, such sacrifices can be made… but i don’t mention it to her… i’m about to walk out of the room… she says something about how i’d better not do anything with the bank account that’s in our name… i suddenly feel she’s threatening my economic well being… feel this money is mine as well… very angry, i make some sort of threat or retort… that i can do what ever i like… thinking to myself that perhaps i should take half of the money out of the account… and being to wonder whether or not my card has been cancelled or if she changed my online password to the accounts… somehow we get into a physical tussle… we’re rolling around… no punching, something more akin to wrestling… she’s stronger than i remember… we continue to argue… and we’re onto the subject of who will remain in the apartment… i tell her she can’t afford the place… she scoffs… talks about two job offers she has… about how one of them would have her traveling between nyc and london… and she starts saying “london london” over and over again, in a mocking and inflammatory tone… cackling…
Tuesday, November 28, 1995
dream: 11/28/95
dream: in a family member’s house… christmas… reeming dad for not wanting to be around… open presents or something passes… hélène begins playing a guitar and singing in spanish… father corrects her spanish… she plays and sings beautifully… i’m so impressed with my little sister… father in never land… i become angry at him… i’m bringing a bunch of my stuff (presents?) into this corner cubby hole… get it all in and still chastising the old man… then he starts giving me these little boxes to put in with my stuff… i get mad… somepoint the news or something similar announces a gang of some sort, wanted for this and that, is on the loose… look like scummy bikers… rob was there too… i guess at some point dad was tired of my tyraid so he started talking to rob… i see a flash of black leather…
i’m suddenly in atlantic city… ocean one omninous in the background… a couple standing idly… their kids run up to them screaming, “mom dad out stuff’s been stolen!”… repeat repeat… laugh to myself… “oh no!”… kinda feel bad… could imagine a vacation without any stuff… one of the parents mutters something about how one of the kids is only in 8th grade (as if to say they’re too young to have to suffer like this)…
hanging out with the frank’s bar and grill kids (ray, max who else?)… then i disappear… go home… get lonely and bored… catch a bus to ocean one… it all happened so fast… get there and wander about… i think i ran into shauna… and saw jack tarlouci?… (w.c. - i saw shauna the night before)… ocean one was very desolate… no one was really around… and most of the shops were nearly bare… so as i walk i see this chick… not sure if… oh - cut through store, see shauna - kind of?… then i leave the store… and go to an escalator… and there she is… apparently we were both miserable… i suppose i looked fucked up to her… she asked me if i’d gotten drunk the night before… emphatic no!… she said she did, cheerfully… bullshit a bit… wander off… up the escalator… see charlie and some of his fuck ups… but they ignore me… in a way i could care less… so i cut through ocean one… to the back, i see something quasi-interesting… winds up being a casino or a casino on the other side of ocean one… in either case it’s inaccessable and/or useless… so i exit through the back doors… parking garage… slowly strolling taking my time… see a loading dock for trucks… so i hop off of it, using it as a shortcut… i hear someone coming up behind me… they jump and grab me… somehow we begin to float… i thought it was charlie… while flying i imagine the landing… since we’re moving in slowmo… how much is it gonna hurt… am i going to be able to get up and fight if need be?… blah blah blah… but we never land… he winds up in a drivers seat and i’m on the trunk… family about… one guy gives me keys and a wad of cash… car turns into a motorcycle… get to a spot and park… get off and look over the wad and keys… i’m right next to a harley… hear some jerk talking about how he was going to cover the premium (my wad of cash)… and how my partner and i are so professional… really know what we’re doing… as i’m standing there i begin to lose my balance… teeter totter… family holds its breath… anxiety… regain it… they’re all happy… look at keys… pyramid shaped number pad, a security lock… tell my partner (the guy who jumped on me)… he takes off… bastard leaves me to hoof it… and i start running like the wind… all sorts of thoughts running through my mind… “do you want to go to jail boy?… better keep running”… i could hear my partner’s mind, “better him than me”… i feel the strain in my legs… where i’m going there’s a hiway… i know they’ll have an APB on me… so get away… highjack a car or take a bus… since i’ve already broken the law… though i don’t know how… then i wake up…
i’m suddenly in atlantic city… ocean one omninous in the background… a couple standing idly… their kids run up to them screaming, “mom dad out stuff’s been stolen!”… repeat repeat… laugh to myself… “oh no!”… kinda feel bad… could imagine a vacation without any stuff… one of the parents mutters something about how one of the kids is only in 8th grade (as if to say they’re too young to have to suffer like this)…
hanging out with the frank’s bar and grill kids (ray, max who else?)… then i disappear… go home… get lonely and bored… catch a bus to ocean one… it all happened so fast… get there and wander about… i think i ran into shauna… and saw jack tarlouci?… (w.c. - i saw shauna the night before)… ocean one was very desolate… no one was really around… and most of the shops were nearly bare… so as i walk i see this chick… not sure if… oh - cut through store, see shauna - kind of?… then i leave the store… and go to an escalator… and there she is… apparently we were both miserable… i suppose i looked fucked up to her… she asked me if i’d gotten drunk the night before… emphatic no!… she said she did, cheerfully… bullshit a bit… wander off… up the escalator… see charlie and some of his fuck ups… but they ignore me… in a way i could care less… so i cut through ocean one… to the back, i see something quasi-interesting… winds up being a casino or a casino on the other side of ocean one… in either case it’s inaccessable and/or useless… so i exit through the back doors… parking garage… slowly strolling taking my time… see a loading dock for trucks… so i hop off of it, using it as a shortcut… i hear someone coming up behind me… they jump and grab me… somehow we begin to float… i thought it was charlie… while flying i imagine the landing… since we’re moving in slowmo… how much is it gonna hurt… am i going to be able to get up and fight if need be?… blah blah blah… but we never land… he winds up in a drivers seat and i’m on the trunk… family about… one guy gives me keys and a wad of cash… car turns into a motorcycle… get to a spot and park… get off and look over the wad and keys… i’m right next to a harley… hear some jerk talking about how he was going to cover the premium (my wad of cash)… and how my partner and i are so professional… really know what we’re doing… as i’m standing there i begin to lose my balance… teeter totter… family holds its breath… anxiety… regain it… they’re all happy… look at keys… pyramid shaped number pad, a security lock… tell my partner (the guy who jumped on me)… he takes off… bastard leaves me to hoof it… and i start running like the wind… all sorts of thoughts running through my mind… “do you want to go to jail boy?… better keep running”… i could hear my partner’s mind, “better him than me”… i feel the strain in my legs… where i’m going there’s a hiway… i know they’ll have an APB on me… so get away… highjack a car or take a bus… since i’ve already broken the law… though i don’t know how… then i wake up…
Friday, November 10, 1995
dream: 11/10/95
dream - bit of it… in the car… w/raymond and father… raymond sits uneasy… father says, “relax, don’t worry”… so ray goes into some femme fit of jittering relaxation… “ok ok”… chair swivels a bit more towards me… looks at me… “i don’t care”… so goes to kiss my father… thinks he’s rubbing my dad’s leg… somehow i wind up in the middle… starts mistakenly rubbing my leg… says he knew relationships changed people but not this way… raymond left an odd taste in my mouth… he seemed so childish through all of this… acting so impish… they may have eventually kissed, i don’t know…
Friday, April 15, 1994
dream: 4/15/94
standing in line waiting to get into this office/bathroom in an office building. standing there w/big fat men, punks, skins, office execs etc. This bald man that looks like T (Simon’s step dad) tkaes me in. He hands me this pillbox i open it over the sink and some cocaine spills out and onto my nose and face the man gets pissed off. I tell him sorry, I know how expensive it is because my ma was on it, he shows no sympathy only sarcasm. He looks in the container seeing how much is left and pours it on me. I get a tremendous rush. This big fat exec that works w/T look alike comes in and so does a punk. I am standing on the edge of a bathtub looking at the exec (my instructor dressed jeans and a flannel) punk beside me. Exec starts talking shit telling the instructor to sit on me while he beats the shit out of me. The instructor says no you are going to fight him. I am astonished. The instructor tells me don’t worry, goes away. Fat man antagonizes me says, “are you ready to become a man?” I say, “I guess I’ll find out.” Wait for the fat man to make a move, punk says, “ya want me to do it, he’s always an asshole to everyone.” I say no. Eventually time’s up so we leave. I see the fat exec laying on a desk with a mouse on his face and a game boy next to him. I walk over and smash his nuts then proceed to punch his face and nuts beating him senseless. No blood but i think he’s dead. The instructor is watching from him office cubicle nodding in reassurance. I proceed to smash the fat exec’s game boy which flashes messages saying, “Stop”, warning that the memory can not sustain this then shuts down - did same to fat’s computer before game boy, same result - wake up.
dream before - mother, cara, eric, jess, joe and i are going to alex’s apartment for thanksgiving dinner? Bring paintings to show him. We walk up many flights of stairs eventually split up, mother and i together. Got to alex’s window/door by walking on a small ledge. Notice alex’s collection of paintings, they colors in them are light, i think to myself that i’ll never get anywhere because my work’s too dark for normal people and sit down. At this point I assume the way we came in is the only and very crappy entrance, surprised to see everyone else. They ask us how we got in, since they didn’t see us come in, we tell them and they make some smart comment. We go out to the boardwalk but not w/the family. We meet some girls i’ve seen before on the way out, talk briefly, get to the ground floor and walk w/jess b. Two people are behind us, one is very close and the other has his elbow in my ear. I lean back to piss him off and he breathes something in my face and i pass out. The next thing i know, i’m getting up off the boardwalk and people are staring at me, seems a lot of them are jess b.’s friends. One says, “i would have woken him up.” They all laugh. I run everywhere looking for jess, back in the apartment, the boardwalk, everywhere. There are about 10 girls on the boardwalk, sitting and watching me run about. I sit down and ask katy if she’s seen jess and she says jess is right here. I’m looking at a girl w/freckles dressup all preppy and very light orange/blonde hair. I say this definitely isn’t my girlfriend blah blah blah, she gets offended. Katy moves and says no there and there’s jess sitting very timid. One of jess’ friends says, “anyone who sits over here becomes part of my posse.” I ran over and jumped onto jess’ lap and hugged her very tightly.
dream before - mother, cara, eric, jess, joe and i are going to alex’s apartment for thanksgiving dinner? Bring paintings to show him. We walk up many flights of stairs eventually split up, mother and i together. Got to alex’s window/door by walking on a small ledge. Notice alex’s collection of paintings, they colors in them are light, i think to myself that i’ll never get anywhere because my work’s too dark for normal people and sit down. At this point I assume the way we came in is the only and very crappy entrance, surprised to see everyone else. They ask us how we got in, since they didn’t see us come in, we tell them and they make some smart comment. We go out to the boardwalk but not w/the family. We meet some girls i’ve seen before on the way out, talk briefly, get to the ground floor and walk w/jess b. Two people are behind us, one is very close and the other has his elbow in my ear. I lean back to piss him off and he breathes something in my face and i pass out. The next thing i know, i’m getting up off the boardwalk and people are staring at me, seems a lot of them are jess b.’s friends. One says, “i would have woken him up.” They all laugh. I run everywhere looking for jess, back in the apartment, the boardwalk, everywhere. There are about 10 girls on the boardwalk, sitting and watching me run about. I sit down and ask katy if she’s seen jess and she says jess is right here. I’m looking at a girl w/freckles dressup all preppy and very light orange/blonde hair. I say this definitely isn’t my girlfriend blah blah blah, she gets offended. Katy moves and says no there and there’s jess sitting very timid. One of jess’ friends says, “anyone who sits over here becomes part of my posse.” I ran over and jumped onto jess’ lap and hugged her very tightly.
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