dream: 11/10/95

dream - bit of it… in the car… w/raymond and father… raymond sits uneasy… father says, “relax, don’t worry”… so ray goes into some femme fit of jittering relaxation… “ok ok”… chair swivels a bit more towards me… looks at me… “i don’t care”… so goes to kiss my father… thinks he’s rubbing my dad’s leg… somehow i wind up in the middle… starts mistakenly rubbing my leg… says he knew relationships changed people but not this way… raymond left an odd taste in my mouth… he seemed so childish through all of this… acting so impish… they may have eventually kissed, i don’t know…

dream: 4/15/94

standing in line waiting to get into this office/bathroom in an office building. standing there w/big fat men, punks, skins, office execs etc. This bald man that looks like T (Simon’s step dad) tkaes me in. He hands me this pillbox i open it over the sink and some cocaine spills out and onto my nose and face the man gets pissed off. I tell him sorry, I know how expensive it is because my ma was on it, he shows no sympathy only sarcasm. He looks in the container seeing how much is left and pours it on me. I get a tremendous rush. This big fat exec that works w/T look alike comes in and so does a punk. I am standing on the edge of a bathtub looking at the exec (my instructor dressed jeans and a flannel) punk beside me. Exec starts talking shit telling the instructor to sit on me while he beats the shit out of me. The instructor says no you are going to fight him. I am astonished. The instructor tells me don’t worry, goes away. Fat man antagonizes me says, “are you ready to become a man?” I say, “I guess I’ll find out.” Wait for the fat man to make a move, punk says, “ya want me to do it, he’s always an asshole to everyone.” I say no. Eventually time’s up so we leave. I see the fat exec laying on a desk with a mouse on his face and a game boy next to him. I walk over and smash his nuts then proceed to punch his face and nuts beating him senseless. No blood but i think he’s dead. The instructor is watching from him office cubicle nodding in reassurance. I proceed to smash the fat exec’s game boy which flashes messages saying, “Stop”, warning that the memory can not sustain this then shuts down - did same to fat’s computer before game boy, same result - wake up.

dream before - mother, cara, eric, jess, joe and i are going to alex’s apartment for thanksgiving dinner? Bring paintings to show him. We walk up many flights of stairs eventually split up, mother and i together. Got to alex’s window/door by walking on a small ledge. Notice alex’s collection of paintings, they colors in them are light, i think to myself that i’ll never get anywhere because my work’s too dark for normal people and sit down. At this point I assume the way we came in is the only and very crappy entrance, surprised to see everyone else. They ask us how we got in, since they didn’t see us come in, we tell them and they make some smart comment. We go out to the boardwalk but not w/the family. We meet some girls i’ve seen before on the way out, talk briefly, get to the ground floor and walk w/jess b. Two people are behind us, one is very close and the other has his elbow in my ear. I lean back to piss him off and he breathes something in my face and i pass out. The next thing i know, i’m getting up off the boardwalk and people are staring at me, seems a lot of them are jess b.’s friends. One says, “i would have woken him up.” They all laugh. I run everywhere looking for jess, back in the apartment, the boardwalk, everywhere. There are about 10 girls on the boardwalk, sitting and watching me run about. I sit down and ask katy if she’s seen jess and she says jess is right here. I’m looking at a girl w/freckles dressup all preppy and very light orange/blonde hair. I say this definitely isn’t my girlfriend blah blah blah, she gets offended. Katy moves and says no there and there’s jess sitting very timid. One of jess’ friends says, “anyone who sits over here becomes part of my posse.” I ran over and jumped onto jess’ lap and hugged her very tightly.

dream: late '93

Katy and I along with 3 other people piled into a Burgundy cadillac or olds. Two in the front then the other guy katy going to sleep on my shoulder. We were driving through Ft Lauderdale. i saw the poser goth bitch walking along in the rain by herself. HA HA. So anyway we somehow wound up in my Spanish II class and Katy and I were making fun of people as the teacher taught. We started talking about goth people. Suddenly the teacher snapped and started yelling at us complaining, bitching and moaning. Then we started talking about how a goth on acid would wind up killing her. Then the teacher started talking about how one year she had 7 goths in one class and I started to imagine a goth on acid attacking her and awoke.

dream: late '93

I had a dream that i lived in some other house in Florida. I was talking with Katy and we had all of these cats, they all came from one other that we had I think. I was outside on a chordless (from Esther I think) walking around watching them all play there were about 20 from one cat amazing. There were all of these little puddles everywhere i wast watching water drop into them. Then i was walking around on these short walls in our yard. The cats were chasing dogs across the pool and walking across the water. It was cool so i told Katy about it and told her she had to come over and watch. Then one fell in but managed to get out. Another fell in and was stuck in the 3′ end. The pool was black on the bottom but I could hear a cat crying for help. I could hear it whinning. I tried to save it but i couldn’t. I held my breath and tried to go under but i just rose up too much oxygen. i let some out. This whole time i could hear the cat but barely see it, as it scratched at the pool wall. I tried again but this time i didn’t have enough oxygen. I cam up still hearing the cat though I still couldn’t see it. I went down solid but couldn’t find it. I woke up I suppose it drowned.
Way before all of that I had another dream, that I flew up to Jersey. I got some new music it was weird the whole ride and situation everyone was exceedingly brady bunch very sick. I got home and mom’s house was different. Bill was there with a Bug Eye’s type jacket and a little mohawk his friend was big w/a mohawk also. Roxanne was there i just said hello to her mom wasn’t cool. I showed bill all of my new music - not enough time for a reaction we planned to go out and fuck up ventnor people and all but that night i would stay home then on to the FL dream.

dream: 10/14/93

Last night I had a dream - I was going to see a movie with? I think it was Katy? Some dickhead was just standing there getting rowdy (we had to stand because there were no more seats) So this dick starts punching/swinging I blocked some but he hit me. I pushed him away. He got really pissed. Then we started to fight I blocked most of his punches. We started rolling around on top of the crowd. I put him in a head lock and started punching him in the head. Then the scene changed from a movie theater to a church. The dude started stabbing people w/a screwdriver and people started to pass that around killing people. I think I eventually got it and rand around killing people rolling on top of the crowd. I fell of the into the aisle and Mark snagged the screwdriver and said, “You can’t kill everyone that would be illegal.” So I stopped then I woke up. I went back to sleep and start calling people and talking about the ordeal. At one point I was talking to Katy about it and she turned into a hick. Eww

dream: 8/2/93

Last night I had a dream -

I was in my old house in Roxbury sitting at the head of the table. I was eating something and the chair and I were turned to the right. Cathy came in all bitchy she turned the chair to the proper position. I looked at her and turned it back she bitched and went upstairs. Zizi and Louise came in and I went through the same ordeal. Then I was sleeping with Godflesh playing (which I fell asleep to). It was a little loud and my ma came down to turn it down. I was sleeping and woke up I looked at her and she said, “Well what the fuck do you want me to do?” “Chill ma…”
“Shut the fuck up and go to sleep”
She went upstairs. I was pissed to say the least. I knew it was loud and would have been content if she only turned it down. Then I woke up.

dream: 8/93

I had a fucking epic of a dream last night - I think it started off with me in Roxbury (the Roxbury house was in Atlantic City with my ma etc. living in it) listening to the answering machine and Tina Shirmley called crying and said she was locked out of her house she didn’t say why. So Bill and I went to go see her at Shawn Carboy’s house. It was a fucking mansion and there were skaters everywhere some of them gave me shit but I do believe most were cool. Anyway we may have found him but we climbed up this huge steeple thing which scared me shitless. When we got to the top I looked out the window which wasin the shape of a cross looked down and saw crashing waves. We exited the steeple. I think after that my dad woke me up ranting and raving blah blah. But it continues - I was at this huge skyscraper type thing and I was in a ?wheel chair? My dad and Cathy were business executives with enemies that liked to beat the shit out of people. So they got their shit together and we split on a little airplane but we didn’t fly we drove it down the street. A message came in on this funky secret radio they were busy so I had to bring the message through. (the message would tell us where the bad guys were). My dad instructed me on how to do this I got nervous and fucked it up and the bad guys (big biker fucks w/chains etc.) they immediately grabbed my parents and beat the fuck out of them. I pulled myself out of the plane and put myself on one of the dead bodies so I would look the same. It worked and I somehow got to the regular house in Atlantic City. Tine was there. I said hello (she was in my sister’s room sitting on the porta desk which is in Roxbury). She was drinking cranberry juice and seltzer water but in two different glasses. She also looked like Stacey. Anyway she told me that the foundation of her house was fucked up so she had to leave I said I’d ask my ma if she could stay the summer. Tina said good. (By the time I got back to Atlantic City I would walk no more wheel chair). I said after the summer is over you better keep in touch. She said she couldn’t she didn’t want to, “besides your house has a good cement foundation.” I just walked away. Then it switched to some animal/nature show about this goat that sheds its wool by itself in the winter to stay warm the animal has no parents to teach it this and learns it all on its own without instincts either it just learns by trial and error. The nature part was long but more pictures in my mind than speech or action.